So, today was the day. My husband and I met with my oncologist to let him know that the chemo road for us has ended. Let me clarify, THE road hasn’t ended, just the chemo road. Well, what does this mean, you ask? It means that after asking, seeking and listening for God, that He has given me (us) peace about not pursuing a new treatment that will drastically change my quality of life. I seriously still have too much to do, places to go, people to see…
My body doesn’t know what it means to NOT be on chemo. My immune system served me well for the first 39 years of my life – and I was HARD on it. Hello, anybody heard of Mad Dog 20/20 or Boonesfarm!? Ugh. Yeah, that’s how my friends and I rolled in our teens. What were we thinking!? And it didn’t get better from there, either. And if my nieces and nephews are reading this, A) DON’T drink EVER B) drinking under the age of 21 is ILLEGAL and I WILL tell on you!
Anyway, for the last nine years, these chemotherapy treatments have both aided (as in halted progression) and broken down (collateral damage to healthy cells) my immune system. It’s a very personal choice to stop treatment. The decision to end the routine visits to the doctor every few weeks to check on progression, waiting for scan results to determine my mood, waiting for labs, waiting to make decisions based on what test results and statistics show. No more waaaaaaiting! Surely this isn’t what God meant by long suffering? Waiting ON God is a much better decision than waiting on man.
I know I don’t look like I have cancer. This I agree with. Do you need to be hairless and feeble to look like you are a fighter? Is the constant battle actually fear provoked? My opinion on people saying “she has fought for so long”, “she is so strong” might be different than yours. I haven’t fought anything. God has stood in my place time after time and healed me. He has blessed nurses, doctors and surgeons with God-given skills to be His hands and feet. Something tangible. We always want something tangible. That’s easier, right? I can touch it, feel it, see it… so much easier than trusting in what is unseen.
Let me be clear, I am in no way bashing chemotherapy. It sure does sound like it and that is not my intention. Like I said, God-given skilled doctors, scientists, lab techs, radiologists – He created them all and all for a purpose. His purpose. The fact that I woke up this morning and decided to go tell the doctor that I (we – always we) have peace about our decision – pure, undeniable peace – is no surprise to God! He knew about today before the beginning of time. What my prayer is, is this, that He is looking down saying, “that’s my girl, trusting in Me”. Waiting on Him – ON HIM.
Can I be totally honest? Sure Jen! That’s why you’re a “blogger” now! 🙂 Okay, well when Kevin (my husband of 12 years) and I walked across the grass this morning when we were leaving the hospital, I had clarity that I am not sure if I have ever known or can put into words, but I will try – it was the MOST beautiful and greenest grass I had ever seen! It’s grass Jen, come on!? Get a grip, right? With tears in my eyes, I looked at my husband and told him “I think I am going to see everything more beautiful now”. (I would like to now note that Kevin told me later after I had written this blog, that the grass I was referring to was actually crusty, patchy and not that super – to say the least). God must have certainly changed my sight that morning. To me, it was brilliantly beautiful. You go, God!
I can’t explain it, well , actually I can. IT’S GOD! This is a staggering revelation!! Not because I don’t think He CAN do the impossible – but because it is FREEING to let Him take the lead! He’s always had it anyway. Who do you think lights your path or whispers “this way…” it’s Jesus. You know, when He said He was going to prepare a place for us, He wasn’t kidding!! Just thought I’d throw that in. 🙂
So please, no “I’m sorry’s” – that’s not what this blog is about and won’t be about – not to mention, hello, God is still in the business of doing miracles. I am sharing this to tell you that I just KNOW that God is giving me the chance right now to enjoy every little detail of His creation, to be kinder, more loving, a better listener and to look for beauty in all and the simplest of things. Like dogs! I think I even love my dogs more today!! Is that possible?? Apparently it is.
ALL things are possible for those who trust in Him. It doesn’t say some things, or this kind of thing, or just these things. He says ALL things. I’d say that’s pretty good as far as “things” are concerned.
I probably won’t preach it every day, but I’ll preach it when I want to – it is my blog. Well, it’s mostly God’s, I’ll just be His hands and feet.
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 NIV
Why yes, these shoes DO have dogs on them. Bob’s by Sketchers. Save a pup.